


New Dawn Fades

by lostyourwar



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst, Diary/Journal, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-01
Updated: 2014-10-01
Packaged: 2018-02-19 11:02:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2386010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostyourwar/pseuds/lostyourwar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm writing this letter too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	New Dawn Fades

They called me yesterday. Lip did. He gave me the news. Honestly, I don’t remember how I felt about you anymore. It’s been a year since I last saw you, and I don’t remember if I loved you or not. I remember it hurt me when you left. I remember I cried, and I’ve never cried as hard as I did that week. I mean, I guess it doesn’t really matter anymore, but I wish I could remember. If I loved you. At the very least to remind me that you’re human. That you’re a solid person, that I once touched you and made you laugh and that you existed. I guess in part, at least for me, it was a good thing, right? For my well-being, it must be good that I never saw you with your hair falling out. You had so much hair too. That’s so strange. How it didn’t just, you know, rob you of your life. The time before your life ended, it took your identity. That’s cruel. Unfair. Lip told me that you couldn’t blink properly or something, because of the tumor in your brain. There was a tumor in your brain for God knows how long. Was it there when I kissed you? Well, it was kind of an off-hand comment, as much as that can be, but it really stuck with me. Fuck, that freaks me out so much, Ian. Losing control like that. Being in a body that’s betraying you. Did it scare you? How did you sleep knowing you might never wake up? I don’t think you really could understand near the end. I hope you couldn’t. I think I remember. I think I loved you. I don’t know if I learned anything from this. I don’t know if your death is somehow supposed to affect me. It does, more than it probably should. I can’t sleep because it feels like the day after you left again. It feels like the sun doesn’t really shine as bright as it did two days ago. It brings me to this weird place, Ian. Why do we die? What the fuck does that do? What’s the point? Why live in the first place? Why try so hard to survive as long as you can when you won’t ever succeed? And why do people like you, people who are good. have to die like that? You didn’t do shit out of the line. That’s what’s so fucking unfair. You know, some people deserve to die. At the very least, they’re fucking looking for it. Some people, like your dad, they laugh in the face of death. Terry, too. I won’t be surprised when he dies. But you deserved to live. And now they’re planning your funeral and Fiona wants me to go for some reason. I must have loved you. I remember your stupid jokes. And I know you were brave as fuck. I respected that. You didn’t give a fuck about other people. I admired that. But I don’t know if I loved you because I let you leave and I learned to live without you. A year has gone by and I can’t remember if your eyes were green or blue. And that hurts too. Not knowing. I’ll go to your funeral and refresh my memory when I look at your picture but that’s all you are now. You’re a picture in a frame, a casket and then just a fucking pile of dirt on the ground. Maybe a little tomb. You’ll just be Ian Gallagher engraved into a piece of stone and then… What if I stop visiting you? What if your brothers and sisters grow up and get too busy to stop by? You just, you won’t exist and that doesn’t make sense to me. I gotta go drop off my kid with Mandy. I’m going to go to your funeral. And Ian? I’m sorry. I know I didn’t make the right choice that day. To be honest, I wouldn’t make it again. I don’t remember if I loved you, but I know I smiled when I saw you. And I can’t smile anymore. I’m sorry if I didn’t love you. I’m sorry I realized this, realized how I felt, too late. I’m sorry I think I love you now that you’re dead.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if this isn't very good. i'm working on the next chapter for "i will be there" but i have been going through some personal hardships that have made this difficult for me. so i made this. it's from my journal again, rewritten to fit my favorite couple, so it's very hastily made. i'm sorry it's ian that dies again. i swear i don't have anything against him, it just fits better like this. anyway, i hope you guys like it, and i'll try to get more writing up. find me at lostyourwar.tumblr.com


End file.
